I submit this with a humble heart of repentance to God, and that my life can be an example with love for the next generations after me or to whoever reads this that may be lost or considering. Many Christians like to pretend they came out of the womb holy but everyone has a past and sometimes our scars are what ministers to others, not our ability to quote scriptures.
I grew up very shy and very quiet, the baby girl. I grew up in church. As a matter of fact, I was in church service about 4 times per week. I was told what to do, when to do it, I was restricted into a very rigid guideline. I was in church but I never knew what love was, affection, kindness, gentleness. I never experienced these. Now, do not get me wrong my parents were not abusive but they could not give me what they had not received as children, and had not allowed God to fill the voids. Though some are able to accept this and thrive thereafter, I became lost without direction. As I left home as an adult I became susceptible to the world… because I was lost being alone.
I had heard at church that my body was a living sacrifice for God but what does that mean to me?! I didn’t know that God would lead and guide me through the pains and struggles of life. Even when God tried to lead me away from danger I didn’t know it was God and continued down the same dark road. Again, I didn’t know love or even the worldly definition of it, worldly love = sex, no, if I felt like having sex, I did. Society continues to tell us it is okay to do this, “explore your sexuality,” and then we are degraded and deposed when we do. Once I met the man who would be my last boyfriend, I changed. But God was not done with me.
(Now I stop here to say that this is my story and just because this was my intervening point does not mean that you can or should wait.)
Even after I left that part of my life behind, I was nowhere near where God wanted me. God began to harden my heart and began to make me despise the life I was living, to the point where depression would cause gaps of isolation, a loss of zest for life and my family, my words and actions were sharp and painful to others. God allowed me down a dark path and what was buried in me a long time ago began to surface, I need God. I needed to get back to the safe place I knew a long time ago, where I was told what to do, when to do it, back into the guideline I had run away from. It was 18 years of trying and fighting to control a life that was only a gift from God to fulfill His purpose for me. “For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love” (Galatians 5:13 NLT). We all are not given that much time. “How do you know that your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like in the morning fog – it’s here a little while, then it’s gone” (James 4: 14 NLT).
With the love that God has graced me with for my children, He has made me aware of all children. My heart hurts as I think of the worldly obstacles my children must push through in order to seek a God-filled life. Culture/Society and/or inexperienced parenting would have us believe that we are nothing more than what we are told and taught but we are not bound by what the world thinks because God says, “for I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). So we do not have to live by the world’s standards because God already has a plan for us. Had I known, I would have saved myself years of life where I spent chasing worldly love when I had no idea what it was.
Now regardless if you are a teenager, adult, or whatever stage of life you are in. Regardless of how deep you may think you have fallen or if you think nobody wants you or loves you. You are still God’s child and He loves You the same exact way He did while you were being formed in your mothers womb. As soon as we invite Him in, He will come like any father who hears their child calling. It may not seem fast enough to us but He will come.
*Never feel as though you are alone. Someone has felt the same way you do at this very moment. Someone else feels as though they have no one to talk to. But on the contrary God inclines His ears to us, whether you feel close to Him or not and you may seek Christian counseling or a ministerial team member that you are comfortable talking to. You are never alone.